SAFEGUARDING THE CHILDREN OF DIVORCE: Rc FOR DAMAGE CONTROL  

Unpublished book by  Reneé Marlow, ACSW, LSW, BCD and Linda Gail Christie, M.A.

Table of Contents

Chapter 1    The Separation Syndrome: Fight, Flight, Fake, Freeze, Forfeit  or Feel?          

Chapter 2    The Seven Step Healing Process: An Overview

Chapter 3    How Am I Doing Now?

Chapter 4    Wrong Way! Do Not Enter! Beliefs Which Will Take You Down the Road to Destruction

Chapter 1

The Separation Syndrome: Fight, Flight, Fake, Freeze, Forfeit or Feel?          

“...and you’ll be sorry you ever met me!”

            Sandy slammed the door. Overcome by  sobbing, she slumped to the floor. Tears flowed down her cheeks and splattered onto the summons crumpled below. As she wiped her eyes, she saw her freshly-penned signature fade into a wash. Like my marriage, she thought. One minute everything’s fine, and the next minute it’s, it’s vanished. Sandy wadded up the papers and hurled them at her husband’s picture. Glass shrapnel pelted a Teddy Bear and it toppled from the table. Terrified by her rage, Sandy wept until she had no more tears.

* * * * *           

            When Sandy came to see me she was overwhelmed: Devastated by her husband’s rejection, she was humiliated and broken hearted. Verbal accusations and threats had her stomach tied in knots. And uncertainties about her future and that of the children, had sent her into a tail spin.

            Feeling threatened, she wanted to fight back with everything she could muster. But another side of her just wanted to crawl in a hole and hope it would all go away. She didn’t know which way to turn.

Sandy’s dilemma about her separation and divorce is not uncommon. Many people use ineffective coping strategies to protect themselves from the overwhelming sense of danger they feel. Some people fight, while others try to escape, act like there’s no problem, freeze, or simply give up. None of these strategies, however, will serve you or your children well.

“The only way to win is to fight.”

“A good offense is the best defense,” these people say. “If I come on strong enough, he’ll just retreat, without striking a blow.”

Sometimes, though, this strategy backfires. When some people feel out-gunned or trapped, they hire a tough lawyer to fight back for them. Caught in the throes of reactivity, these couples do not stop to think about the damage they’re causing to themselves, to the children and to their loved-ones. They just fight to the bitter end.

"I just don’t have time to deal with this right now.”

More cautious people take flight to safety, where they can escape the danger. They may bury themselves in work or other activities so they don’t have time to feel their emotions or go into hiding and disappear altogether.

“No problem. It was long overdue.”

Unable to face their hurt and pain, some people may pretend that everything’s fine, hide behind humor, or mask and numb their feelings by turning to alcohol, drugs, and addictive behaviors such as overeating, workaholism, and promiscuous sex. If we fake, mask or deny our emotions, however, we cannot take care of ourselves or our loved-ones.

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

Overwhelmed by a flood of emotions, some people freeze in the face of danger, like a deer mesmerized by headlights. They cut off their feelings and leave themselves out of touch with the world and with themselves, as if nothing ever happened. When the tremendous energy that is required to cut off their feelings and suppress their needs wears thin, they can explode, often with serious consequences to themselves and their loved-ones.

“I don’t care. Take everything!”

Those not up for a fight, may forsake their needs and raise the white flag of surrender. Believing that they are powerless, or that they do not deserve to have their needs met, they forfeit, remain silent, and wait to be victimized.

Feelings: The Window to Your Emotional Health

Right now you may feel like your emotions are out of control -- like a juggler trying to keep a dozen plates spinning on sticks -- dashing to and fro, wiggling each stick just enough to prevent disaster.

Let me assure you, though, that your emotions are not dangerous. Without your feelings, you would not even know that you have needs, let alone do something about taking care of them. Your emotions are your friends.

Your feelings are the vital signs signaling the state of your emotional health: they are your emotional pulse. Your emotions can tell you when to defend yourself, when to retreat, and when you’ve achieved an acceptable outcome. Anger, for example, can signal that you’re being hurt, that your rights are being violated, or that your needs and wants are not being met.

So, don’t fear or try to suppress your emotions. Embrace them and try to understand what they are telling you: about your separation, about your children, about yourself, about your beliefs, and about your needs. Your feelings are the window into your inner self -- a window which will provide you with the vision you need to heal, and to prevent damaging yourself, your partner, your children and your extended families. Getting in touch with your emotions is the only way that you will be able to begin to heal and to grieve your losses.

Anger: Your Protector

Right now you may be in an absolute rage. Being angry at your partner is normal and healthy. It’s not always “bad” to be angry, like your parents may have told you it was when you were a child. Anger can help you gain the emotional distance you need right now to protect yourself from more hurt and pain. Also, anger can hide even more painful emotions that you aren’t yet ready to face. So, anger can be your friend.

However, if you take your fear, pain and resultant anger into the courtroom, as Ellen did, it can be disastrous. When Ellen came to see me, she had been doing battle for over a year and there was no end in sight:

“...Money’s the only thing he understands. So, if I make ‘Lover-boy’ fork over huge alimony and child-support payments, he can’t shower ‘Miss Home-Breaker’ with fancy clothes and expensive cars...And now he has the nerve to file a petition to get custody of the kids. He thinks I’ll just cave in. But I’ll show him a thing or two!”

            Ellen had spent all of her savings on attorney fees and court costs, her mortgage was three months past due, and she was facing foreclosure. You might think she came to me to seek help for herself, but you’d be wrong. She was concerned about her teenage son Philip :

“... And now he won’t even get up and go to school. He’s flunking everything. He’s so belligerent can’t handle him anymore. It’s his dad’s fault. He’s turned Philip against me. I want you to tell the court to stop Charlie ’s visitation privileges!”

As you might suspect, Charlie didn’t have to turn Philip against his mother. She was doing a fine job herself. Later, when I saw Philip , he told me that he’d become so disgusted with his parents’ fighting, that he didn’t want anything to do with either one of them.

“Feeling anger signals a problem. Vindictiveness does not solve it.”

Fear: Driving You To Distraction

The unknown can be very frightening, and to some, even paralyzing. So, if you’re scared, know that there’s nothing wrong with you. In fact, you’ve got a lot of company.

If you’re like most people going through a divorce, your stress level is probably approaching an all-time high. You may not be feeling very competent about dealing with lawyers or your partner on the legal matters of your separation. You may feel especially vulnerable and insecure about the future -- for yourself and your children. You may fear losing your children, a gut-wrenching experience. Or, you may be anxious about how you’ll survive as a single person -- “God save me. Dating again!”

After my own divorce, I was fearful about having enough energy to work full-time and parent my young son. It seemed like every second of my day was scheduled. All “25” hours! I fell in bed exhausted every night.

Many of my clients worry about basic issues such as paying past-due bills, losing their property, establishing their credit, finding a job, returning to school, finding good child care, renting a less-expensive place to live, moving, paying utility deposits, collecting child support...the list never seems to end.

Statistics show that a large number of single parents, particularly custodial mothers, live in poverty. So, it’s quite common for them to have to move to a less expensive place, perhaps even to live with their parents: Circumstances few people accept or adapt to very well.

Pain: Suffering Your Losses

Losses are painful. Everyone -- you, your partner, your children, and extended families -- suffers losses: the loss of your relationship, the loss of your family unit, loss of friends, loss of income, and sometimes even the loss of your house and your neighborhood. Any one of these losses can be painful under “normal” circumstances. But on top of separation and divorce, the pain can seem unbearable.

During the months following my separation, I can remember being in so much pain that it was all I could do to just get up and get through each day. I couldn’t even begin to think about tomorrow. That was when I truly learned to live one day at a time. It was all I could do.

The pain of separation and divorce is often compared with the pain of losing a loved one to death. The finality of a death, though, is somewhat of a blessing, because beginning with the rituals of funeral and memorial service, you can start to grieve and heal. With separation and divorce, though, there is no clear-cut end to the relationship, especially when children are involved. So working through your pain is more difficult, and it can be drawn out over months and even years of bickering. Some people never heal completely.

Sadness: Remembering and Wondering

At times I found myself tearful, moody and so sad that I thought it would never end. I had trouble concentrating at work, getting a good night’s sleep, and even wanting to get up in the morning. Often I found myself tearing up, as I did after my Mom died: when I was alone on a quiet evening, in the grocery store, when I saw “his” favorite cookies, when I was listening to a favorite song we’d danced to and, sometimes, for no apparent reason at all.

            Sadness is a normal part of grieving: sadness for your failed marriage, sadness for years wasted in a floundering relationship, sadness about the damage your “bad” marriage may have caused your family, sadness about missed opportunities...

            It’s okay to reflect on your life as you’ve lived it and to imagine how things might have been different, had you made different choices. But knowing that it would have been better is mere speculation. What’s done is done. And nothing can change that now.

            You can take some comfort in knowing, however, that you did the best that you knew how to do at the time. And now it’s up to you to prepare yourself to make more suitable choices for you and your children’s futures.

Rejection or Abandonment: Am I Okay?

Being abandoned by a person whom you’ve loved and trusted is one of the greatest heartaches. If your partner left you for someone else, it can also seem like the greatest insult. And even worse, you may believe that your partner’s rejection and abandonment means that you are unworthy of being loved by anyone. also Many make their lives even more miserable by beating themselves up:

“I should have been able to make him happy.”

“I should have been able to make more money.”

“I should have been able to work, and take care of him and the kids.”

When some people feel rejected, they become deeply depressed, as Robert did:

“I don’t have any reason to go on without my family. They were the reason I got up everyday.”

Having grown up in poverty after his parents divorced, Robert decided that he’d never be like his father.  So, he worked two jobs to provide a nice home for his wife and kids, and he vowed he would never leave them. During the process, however, he failed to recognize that his absence from home was damaging his relationships. And once his wife took the kids and left, Robert no longer had a cause: a reason to be. The really sad part of Robert ’s story, though, is that he failed to realize that poverty was not the villain that damaged him as a child, his father’s abandonment was. And essentially, he repeated what his father had done to him: only Robert left his family by working day and night.

During a divorce, pent-up rage from a previous rejection or abandonment can explode like a time bomb. After divorcing, Pam ’s father remarried, moved away, and never spoke to her again. During her divorce some thirty years later, Pam ’s unresolved rage from the past boiled up into her present hurt and pain. Overwhelmed by such strong emotions, Pam bulldozed through her divorce like a runaway freight train, smashing everything and everyone in her path. The sad part is that she still rages about her father, whom she’s never confronted about the abandonment.

Loneliness: Is it forever?

Newly separated couples often find themselves alone for the first time in their lives, or for the first time in many years.

“I’ve never felt so alone,” Connie moaned. “Will this last forever? I don’t think I can take much more.” A devastating thought: Being alone forever. Not something I’d ever want to face. But following my divorce, I did exactly that. After I’d worked all day and tucked my small son in bed, I collapsed into a chair, alone. And even if I’d had the energy to go out, finding a baby-sitter on a school night was almost impossible. So, just like Connie , I sat there night after night resigned to “solitary confinement.”

Some of my clients are so busy with their new schedule that they have little time or energy left for anything or anyone else. Others withdraw into a shell to insulate themselves from their loneliness. But that usually makes things worse, as Yvonne explained:

“Most of the time, it’s just easier to sit there feeling sorry for myself rather than calling a friend. Anyway, they have troubles of their own. They don’t want to listen to my sob stories...Besides, I’m not sure I want them to know how down I feel right now. So, most nights, I end up crying myself to sleep.”

 Guilt Doesn’t Do Anyone Any Good

Some parents feel guilty about moving away from their children, or about the things they did to contribute to their divorce. You may hear yourself saying things like:

“If I’d only stopped drinking, she wouldn’t have left.”

“If I’d been a better wife/husband, we’d still be together.”

“I should have hung in there for a few more years, for the children.”

You may be having second thoughts about your children living with only one parent, especially with your (ex)partner. Or, you may be concerned that, with your work schedule, you won’t have enough time to spend with your children.

Some of my clients feel guilty for the way they’re handling their separation and divorce. During one of Ed ’s sessions, he related an unfortunate incident that happened earlier that morning:

“I shout to get things off my chest, to feel better.” He took a deep breath, “But, this morning, right after I blew up, I saw the kids sitting on the stairs. They heard everything. I could see it in their eyes. They were really scared. God knows, I didn’t mean to scare them. I just wanted to shake her up a little.”

Many parents feel guilty when they ask their children to take on more responsibilities like helping with chores, watching their younger brothers and sisters after school, or working part-time to supplement the family’s income. But sometimes, that’s what is needed for the family to survive.

            Some parents respond to their guilt by bending over backward to make life easier for their children. Or to keep their love, they stop disciplining their kids so much, buy expensive gifts for them, or allow them to get away with pitting Mom and Dad against one another.

            However, I’ve seen a number of my clients motivated by their guilt to create a more healthy environment for themselves and their children.

Good Grieving

For many of us, as we grew up, our fantasy was to find the perfect soul-mate, fall in love, marry, have a family, and live happily ever after.  However, divorce shatters these life-long dreams into tiny pieces:

·        your dreams of loving and being loved,

·        your dreams of a happy and fulfilling marriage,

·        your dreams for emotional and financial security,

·        your dreams for your children,

·        your dreams of social status and financial success,

·        your dreams of companionship as you grow older, and

·        your dreams for your future.

And what may even be worse, you may be so hurt that you’ve lost your ability to dream or you’ve begun to believe that your dreams can never come true.

You’ve suffered a great loss, so it’s normal for you to be experiencing overwhelming sadness and despair. You’ve lost a relationship with your partner and perhaps half of your extended family. You may have had to bid farewell  to your dream home, your friends, and your lifestyle. If you’re the non-custodial parent, you’ve lost the opportunity of living with your children: eating dinner together, playing catch in the back yard, reading them stories at bedtime, and tucking them in bed at night.

Know that fighting, fleeing, faking that it doesn’t matter, freezing with fear, and forfeiting are not successful strategies for taking care of yourself or your children. Getting in touch with your emotions is the only way that will provide you with the vision you need to heal and to prevent damaging yourself, your partner, your children and your extended families.

As you begin the grieving process, however, may not believe what’s happening. It may even feel like it’s happening to someone else. But when reality begins to sink in, most people become angry, as Harold did:

“When my wife said she was leaving, I didn’t believe her. It didn’t seem real. Not until yesterday, when I came home and the house was empty. She took everything. Even the door mat!” Harold ’s eyes welled with tears, “This can’t be happening to me!” He pounded his fist on the corner of my desk, “If she thinks I’m just going to just sit by and let her get away with this, she’s...” size:12.0pt;mso-bidi-font-size:10.0pt;line-height:200%;font-family: "Century Schoolbook"">“Stop!” I said, as I pressed out my palm toward him “You aren’t thinking straight right now. And anything you say or do while you’re so angry may end up hurting you and your son.”

            Several weeks later, Harold and his wife returned for a joint counseling session. At this point, Harold was in so much pain he was willing to do anything to get his wife and family back -- even stop his drinking:

“I’ll do anything. Just tell me what you want. I promise I’ll never hit you again. Just give me one more chance.”

            But Harold ’s wife said that she couldn’t afford to give him one more chance. The last time she did, he broke three of her ribs. And she was afraid that the next time, she might not survive. Harold is now in a 12-step program and has been sober for nearly a year.

            People who cling to a false hope of reconciliation, usually remain stuck: stuck in their denial, stuck in their anger, stuck in their bargaining -- stuck in their grief. It’s only when they work through their pain and grieve their losses, that they can start rebuilding their lives.  

Many of my clients have found that their dreams -- of being successful, of the kids being okay, of being happy and content, and of loving and being loved again -- have come true. And yours can too. You can get a good start on your new life right now by:

·           Taking the time you need to work through your emotional pain and grief and begin healing,

·           Garnering the support you need from your friends and family, so you can stay grounded, and

·           Assessing your and your children’s needs, so you know what’s needed for taking care of yourself and your family.

Divorce is painful, even in the best of circumstances. However, let me assure you, there is life after divorce for you and your children. And it can be even more satisfying than it was before.  

Chapter 2

The Seven Step Healing Process: An Overview

Why It’s Important to Keep Your “Emotional” Separation from Contaminating Your Legal Separation

I realize that, at this time, you may not need or want to seek professional counseling, for numerous reasons. However, it’s critical that you keep your “emotional” separation from contaminating and escalating your legal separation.

You may be asking yourself, “What do they mean by ‘emotional’ separation?” Many people believe that once their legal separation is over, they will be able to get on with the rest of their life. So, they’ll agree to anything, just to get it over. Others believe their anger and hatred will subside, if they use the power of the court to punish their partner: to get revenge for the hurt and pain they’ve suffered.

Although emotionally-driven tactics such as these can provide temporary satisfaction and relief, they seldom provide long-term resolution. Because, once their legal separation is behind them, they may regret what they gave away, feel cheated by their partner and/or the legal system, or even feel badly about how they behaved.

More importantly, they may not be able to live with the terms of the separation: child-support payments, custody and visitation arrangements, property settlements, and so forth. So, many of these people find themselves returning to court time after time, because they are in contempt of the legal agreement, or because they want to re-negotiate the terms. Ongoing conflict keeps alive the “fighting” and retards the healing process for everyone. And, it’s very expensive.

When you take into court your hurt, pain, fear and anger -- issues concerning your emotional separation -- you will escalate the issues of your legal separation, and you’ll begin to journey down the road to destruction. It’s vital for your future, and for the future of your children, that you take care of your emotional divorce before or separate from your legal divorce.

If, instead, you use my seven-step healing process outlined in this chapter, you will be able to avoid this tragedy. And you’ll discover that as you begin to heal, you will be able to minimize the damage to yourself and your children, and deal with the matters of your separation much more effectively.

 The Seven Step Healing Process

Although situations vary, I’ve found that the stages my clients experience during a separation and separation are pretty universal, in the same way the stages for grieving are similar for most people. As you read this overview of my seven steps for achieving a separation with a relationship that still functions, see if you can identify which step(s) you’ve been experiencing. You may find that, at times, the stages or steps will overlap; but, generally, they proceed in the following order.

Step #1   Retreat, don’t attack.

At first, your anger and rage make you want to lash out and hurt others. However, people fueled with their emotional pain are headed toward destruction.

Separation is a grief process that’s worse than suffering a death because it’s never over. There’s a finality to death that requires you to go through grief. But, there’s no finality to separation, so many people remain stuck in a never-ending and painful state of grief.

First you should take time to cry, grieve and garner the emotional support you need from your family, friends, and, if necessary, professionals. In later chapters, I’ll provide a process for you to work through your feelings, and help you understand your reactions to the separation, so you can keep your emotions from fueling a damaging separation.

Step #2   Magnify, don’t project.

As your grieving progresses, you may start to blame others, or even yourself, for the separation.

It’s your beliefs which fuel you emotionally and behaviorally. This is a time for you to examine what is happening to you emotionally and what beliefs underlie your emotions. So, put your beliefs and emotions under a magnifying glass. If they are based on myth, you don’t want to project your feelings and beliefs onto your spouse. This won’t help you solve your problems, and it will escalate the matters of separation. In Chapter 000, I’ll show you how to examine your beliefs and restate them in more accurate and positive ways which will assist you in managing or changing your emotional responses.

Step #3   Assess, don’t guess.

Now is the time to assess what you and your children will need: education, job, child support, time off to figure out what will be helpful for you in your future, or even emotional support. You need to get the financial, legal, and psychological information necessary for proceeding with your separation. Assessing what you need will empower you to make your plan.

Step #4   Plan, don’t demand.

Planning is figuring out exactly what you want and what you’ll be willing to settle for, for yourself and your children. If you’re very clear about your plan when you begin communicating and negotiating, your spouse, the attorneys, and the judge won’t get you off guard and drag you in emotionally. It’s a very powerful thing to know what you want. Later, you will be able to formulate a plan customized for your situation.

Step #5   Communicate and negotiate, don’t litigate.

It’s during litigation that bitter enemies are made and families are broken. This is what I want to help you avoid, if possible. Once you have your plan, you can begin to communicate to your spouse in a clear and powerful way about what it is that you want. And if you receive any offers that are not compatible with what you’ve determined as your willingness to settle or negotiate, then you need to take time out and think before you make any concessions or agreements. You don’t want to compromise yourself. The skills you’ll learn to enhance your communication with your spouse will be useful the rest of your life, especially if you have children.

Step #6   Relate, don’t react.

It’s very important that you are constantly aware of your emotional pain which will not have been resolved by this time, particularly if you’re the one who’s been left. However, you shouldn’t let that pain be your guiding force. Instead, try to relate to your spouse in terms of what you want and what your children need. I’ll help you begin laying the groundwork for continuing the relationship after your separation.

Step #7   Thrive, don’t survive.

I understand that for awhile you will feel like you’re just surviving. And for some time, you’ll need to work through your emotional pain and grief to resolve that. You may have lost your dreams, the ability to dream about your future, and maybe even the belief that your dreams can come true. Losing hope can be devastating. However, after reaching this bottom rung of grieving and loss, I’ve found that each step beyond is more healing and hopeful.

In order to rebuild your life, you need to know what you want, what you need to do to achieve that, and begin moving in that direction. As you move on after your separation, you’ll begin to heal, you’ll start to dream once again, and you will be able once again to begin believing that your dreams can come true. You’ll know what you want and begin creating that in your life. And with support from your family and friends, you’ll find it possible to start to enjoy living your new life and helping your children heal.

Let me reassure you that there can be life after separation, possibly even more satisfying than before. Your dreams can come true, as they have for many of my clients. You can choose happiness as a single person, or you may wish to enter into another relationship. The most important dream that you’ll regain, though, is the freedom to be yourself.

» » » » » » » »

The thought-provoking self-assessment tools and exercises provided in later chapters will guide you through this seven-step process so, like my clients, you can integrate new, more positive beliefs and behaviors into your life and achieve your separation with a relationship that still functions. Though the trip will be difficult at times, I promise that it will be interesting, challenging, productive, do-able, and ultimately more successful than the one you are traveling on now -- for yourself and your children. 

Chapter 3

How Am I Doing Now?

Before we begin the journey toward your separation with a relationship that still functions, it’s important to know your point of departure: How you are doing now? Following is a questionnaire which will help you assess your emotional well-being as you begin this book. At the end of this book, you’ll have an opportunity to reassess yourself, and to see how far you have moved out of your pain and survival toward a resolution that will enable you to recover and heal. Take a few minutes to rate yourself. There are no right or wrong answers, and no one but you will see your responses. So, be honest with yourself.

Where Am I Now?

On a scale of 1-5 rate yourself on the following questions.  A “1” means that this is least like you and a “5” mean that it’s most like you. Circle your answer.

My Personal Adjustment

I feel successful.                                                                                            1   2   3  4   5

I feel trusting.                                                                                                  1   2   3  4   5

I am not angry.                                                                                               1   2   3  4   5

I don’t wish to hurt my spouse either physically or emotionally.               1   2   3  4   5

I do not use anger in destructive ways.                                                       1   2   3  4   5

I don’t feel like I have to prove myself wronged by this marriage.            1   2   3  4   5

I feel good about myself.                                                                              1   2   3  4   5

I know that I’m lovable.                                                                                  1   2   3  4   5

I feel hopeful about the future.                                                                      1   2   3  4   5

I feel like I’m in control of my life.                                                                 1   2   3  4   5

I am taking care of myself by sleeping, eating, and exercising right.      1   2   3  4   5

I am taking care of myself by communicating to others what I need.      1   2   3  4   5

I’m making important decisions with little difficulty.                                   1   2   3  4   5

I’m working through my grief and loss.                                                        1   2   3  4   5

I’m prepared for a different relationship with my children and ex-spouse.        1   2   3  4   5

I’m confident I can manage my life after the separation.                           1   2   3  4   5

I’m confident that I can manage my finances.                                            1   2   3  4   5

I’m looking forward to being single.                                                            1   2   3  4   5

I’m looking forward to living alone.                                                              1   2   3  4   5

I’m actually growing and developing as a result of the separation process.     1   2   3  4   5

I’m starting/continuing to have fun.                                                              1   2   3  4   5

I feel like my life is just beginning.                                                               1   2   3  4   5

I am developing/rediscovering my dreams for the future.                         1   2   3  4   5

I’m making plans for my future well-being.                                                  1   2   3  4   5

Dealing With My Separation

I am coping effectively with my separation.                                                1   2   3  4   5

I am taking care of myself by getting information and help  with my separation.   1   2   3  4   5

I feel secure and confident about the separation proceedings.               1   2   3  4   5

My ex-spouse knows what’s best for the children.                                    1   2   3  4   5

I know what’s best for the children.                                                              1   2   3  4   5

I don’t fear losing the children physically or emotionally.                           1   2   3  4   5

I know what I want in my separation agreement.                                       1   2   3  4   5

I am able to tell my spouse what I want in my separation agreement.     1   2   3  4   5
 

Helping My Children

I’m able to support my children physically, financially, and emotionally. 1   2   3  4   5

I’ve talked with my children about the separation process.                      1   2   3  4   5

I’ve talked with my children about our future.                                              1   2   3  4   5

I’ve reassured my children that they will be taken care of.                        1   2   3  4   5

I feel confident that my ex-spouse and I can work together to parent our children.     1   2   3  4   5

I’ve learned better skills for solving disagreements and difficulties.        1   2   3  4   5

I’m confident that my children are dealing with the separation effectively.         1   2   3  4   5

The children are not misbehaving, acting out, or showing other signs of distress.     1   2   3  4   5

The children are continuing to perform the same in school.                     1   2   3  4   5

The children feel secure and loved by both of us.                                      1   2   3  4   5

I am not using my children to get back at by ex-spouse.                          1   2   3  4   5

I am not using my children to manipulate my ex-spouse.                          1   2   3  4  5

I’m learning parenting skills with regard to separation and my children. 1   2   3  4   5
 

Evaluating Your Self Assessment Ratings

If you rated yourself “4” or “5” on a substantial number of the items, congratulate yourself! You’re already well on your way toward achieving a separation with a relationship that still functions. You may just wish to skip through this book to brush up on the areas where you may need some assistance.

If, however, you rated yourself “3” or below on most of the items, you’ll find that reading this book and completing the exercises will be very helpful.

In the chapters which follow, you’ll discover what your current beliefs are as well as their origins: your beliefs about personal security, about self esteem, about roles, about grief, about singleness, about sexuality, about relationships, about the future, and much more. And, you’ll have the opportunity to correct your faulty beliefs by expanding your perception and understanding about yourself, your spouse, your children, separation, and the future: By shedding myths, clarifying your thoughts and feelings, and  gaining a broader perspective, you’ll be better equipped to make good decisions about your separation, about your children, and about your future.

My step-by-step road map will help you plan your separation and separation in a way that will minimize damage to yourself and to your children.

So, let’s begin our journey.

Chapter 4

Wrong Way! Do Not Enter!

Beliefs Which Will Take You Down the Road to Destruction

Most people caught up in the emotions of a separation and separation react and make decisions based on faulty beliefs: beliefs which generate feelings of anger, guilt, loneliness, despair, and fears of  rejection. Since beliefs are the fuel for your emotions and behavior, I want to help you identify, explore and refine your beliefs. Because, in my experience, when my clients’ have a clear understanding of their thoughts and feelings, they are much better equipped to make good decisions about the way they’re living their lives, about their children, and about their future.

In my fifteen years of practice as a family therapist and mediator, I’ve identified ten common myths -- unfounded or false notions -- which people have about separation. I’d like to share with you what they are and the caustic effect they have on the partners and their children.

The Ten Myths About Separation

Myth #1:   Separation is a win-lose proposition.

Many people enter separation thinking that if they do not win, they lose. Or they believe that they must win to prove that the failed marriage was not their fault. Of course when this happens, it really becomes a lose-lose proposition, because everyone loses: You lose, the children lose, and your ex-spouse loses as in the case of Randy M. who was so angry with his wife for leaving him that he was determined to win custody of his children, at all costs. The children had been living with their mother during the separation and were performing well in school. After a long custody battle, which involved numerous evaluations of the children and parents, the children’s grades began slipping and they stopped participating in their sports and hobbies.  Eventually Randy won custody; however, several years later, the children ended up back with their mother. When the children were brought to me for counseling, they were functioning poorly, still in pain and had little trust in the ability of others to help them. This is a case where everyone lost because someone, their Dad, thought he could win; when, in fact, it was a lose-lose proposition from the start.

Winning at the expense of others is not the answer.

Instead of believing that separation is always a win-lose proposition, consider that you may possibly be able to create a win-win situation. To accomplish this, you will need to learn how to keep your emotional separation separate from your legal separation, and to resolve the issues of your separation in a way which produces a minimum amount of damage.

Myth #2    The failure of our marriage and the separation are all my ex-spouse’s fault.

When Leigh J. came to me, she was still trying to deal with her sadness and anger by blaming her husband for all that had happened. She refused to look at herself and anything she’d done to contribute to the difficulties she’d had during their marriage, even though this was the second time around. After a few sessions, Leigh came to realize that by not being honest about what her needs and wants were and by always trying to please her spouse, she had made her marriage miserable. She had stayed stuck in her habits and self-defeating ways of living through two marriages.

A separation is usually not just one person’s fault. It takes two people to make a marriage. You need to take responsibility and learn about how you contributed to the demise of your marriage, and learn what you need to know to develop more healthy relationships. 

Myth #3   My legal separation will get me emotionally separated.

Taking your emotional separation into court is not a method for solving problems as much as a way to act out your emotions -- for the sake of catharsis or for seeking vindication. It’s dangerous to take your emotional separation into court because it  causes great emotional damage, it can cause a lot of legal difficulties, and it can be very expensive. Take the case of Nancy P. who was determined to make her husband pay for the hurt and pain she thought he’d caused her. Rejected and abandoned by an unfaithful mate, Nancy tried to convince the court that her husband should have to take care of her the rest of her life. Because Nancy took her emotional pain to court, the issues escalated though years of depositions and courtroom appearances. The separation ended up costing tens of thousands of dollars, and in the end she didn’t get what she wanted financially or emotionally. When I first saw Nancy, she was deeply imbedded in emotional pain and unable to go forward with her life.

The courtroom is not the place to get an emotional separation. It’s best to get an emotional separation before the legal separation, or set the emotional aspects aside and focus on the legal aspects of your separation.

Myth #4   The separation is out of my control.

Many of my clients believe that because they’re involved in a legal situation, with attorneys and a judge, that they have no control over what will happen to them regarding their separation. Often it is this out-of-control feeling that fuels the emotional insecurity and resulting anger that leads to the destructive behavior that damages yourself and others during the separation. Yvonne B. was a housewife who hadn’t worked outside the home for some 14 years. During her separation, she continued to stay stuck in her fear and repeatedly delayed the separation proceedings with one excuse or another, because, as she told me, she didn’t think it was “fair.” Eventually the separation was granted. And, she continued to feel powerless and helpless afterwards.

There is a way for you to reclaim your power and work with your spouse to make decisions regarding your property settlement, visitation, custody, parenting, financial agreements and arrangements. The more you can work toward reclaiming your power, the less destruction you will incur during your separation, and the more positive the experience will be for all. You’ll find out how to do this in Chapter 000.

Myth #5   I will lose my children.

No one wants to lose their children. And children do not want to believe that they’re going to lose their parents. This is a frightening and emotional time for all concerned. In my practice, I find that the fear of losing their children not only can escalate the fight in the win-lose proposition, but can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Years after her parents’ separation, Jeanne F. came to me suffering from a very low self esteem, even though she’d earned a Ph.D. and was a very successful business woman. She had never recovered from her father’s disappearance after the separation. To her, his abandonment meant that he didn’t think she was worthy of his love and attention. So as a teenager, she concluded that if her father didn’t think she was worthy, she really wasn’t a “good” person -- thus was born her extreme need for success and approval, as well as her low self-esteem, which had haunted her for some twenty years, as evidenced by numerous painfully abusive relationships with men.

Non-custodial parents often experience grief and loss every time they see their kids. And sometimes their pain is even made worse because of having to deal with an ongoing confrontational relationship with their ex-spouse. Many rationalize that they are not contributing significantly to the rearing of their children, so they leave to minimize their pain, not realizing the long-term damage they do to their children.

Dane G. grew to hate picking up his children for the weekend because every time he did, his ex-wife picked a fight about something. These arguments were not only painful for Dane, but also for the children who heard their mother berate their father. Soon he started skipping visits and within six months, he stopped coming at all. When a job opportunity took him out of town, Dane stopped communicating with his children. Some ten years later, he had a change of heart and wanted to renew his relationship with his daughters who were about to be married. He was saddened, though, when neither of them wanted to have anything to do with him. When he came to me, he couldn’t understand their hostility toward him for leaving them. He thought he’d done them a favor by reducing the conflict in their lives. He didn’t realize that by abandoning his daughters, he’d caused them a great deal of grief and long-term psychological problems.

It’s very important that you and your children know that your parenting will continue after the separation; and that your relationships will endure a lifetime. You can begin now to ensure that your separation does not result in your losing your children. In Chapter 000, I’ll suggest some methods which have worked for many of my clients.

Myth # 6  The judge knows what’s best for my children.

Judges often use guidelines and standardized recommendations for making decisions about visitation, child support, care and custody, without tailoring those decisions to individual needs of parents and their children. When I saw Angel W. for the first time she was withdrawn, had few friends, and she was having difficulty with her teachers. Based on the results of psychological tests given to her mother at the time of the separation, Angel  was placed in her father’s custody. Apparently the tests that her mother was given indicated a high index for substance abuse. However, the court did not discover that this was most likely because she had grown up in an alcoholic family, not because she abused a substance herself. Angel had been very attached to her mother and removing her from her mother’s care had been extremely traumatic to her. Eventually, after several unsuccessful petitions to modify the separation decree, the judge placed Angel in her mother’s care. With much therapy, Angel improved.

No judge can really know you, your children, and your personal circumstances. Hopefully you and your spouse can use your own good judgment and information about yourselves and your children to arrive at an arrangement which is in the best interest of your children. The most important part is to be flexible and to pay attention to the needs of your children. This is something a judge cannot do without the help of the parents and/or experts involved in the situation.

Myth #7   The separation will ruin our children for the rest of their lives.

For children, the trauma of separation is second only to death. As your children deal with the collapse of your family structure, and with their shock, pain and loss, they may experience profound sadness, anger, fear and anxiety. Some may even feel guilty because they believe that, in some way, they contributed to your  separation or to the apparent abandonment by the parent who left the home.

Your children may react by becoming tearful, moody and withdrawn. They may act out aggressively, change their sleeping or eating habits, and/or start doing poorly in school.  And, they may experience difficulty concentrating and sleepless nights interrupted by nightmares. In Chapter 000, I’ll show you how you can help your children work through their grief and begin healing.

Parents can do irreparable damage to their children during their separation if they continue to fight in front of the children, if they berate the other parent, if  they use the children to manipulate the other parent, if they use the children to spy on or communicate with the other parent, and/or if they fail to reassure them about their future security, the children will suffer from emotional stress and probably develop psychological symptoms or behavioral problems.

In Section II Your Children’s Separation, you will gain a better understanding about how separation may effect your children and how you can assist them in coping with their losses and healing, as well. You will also identify and change your behaviors which can further damage your children and hopefully begin to minimize the risk of contributing to that damage. You’ll receive the information you need to ensure that your children experience as little stress as possible, so they can rebuild their lives after the separation, and grow up to be happy, productive adults who are capable of achieving their dreams.

Myth #8   My life will be ruined.  Or, my life will be much better after my separation.

When Robert K. came to me he was very depressed and dissatisfied with his life which mainly consisted of the routine of going to work and returning home each day. During his first visit, Robert told me that at the time of his separation four years earlier, he’d decided that his life was over and that he would never have anything or love anyone again. His belief was so ingrained and negative that he’d done nothing to grieve and let go of his past. And, he’d made no plans to get on with his future.

Separation is painful, and it’s unlikely that in the near future, your life will be much better. I’ve found, however, that often the pain can be a source of motivation for my clients to learn about themselves and overcome their difficulties. There is life after separation, and it’s your responsibility to learn to heal, recover, and develop a new life for yourself. In later chapters, you’ll learn how to do this.

Myth #9   My ex-spouse and I will never get along or communicate.

I was particularly moved by a man who came to me for counseling over a decade after his separation. Bill T. recalled, “After 24 years of marriage, I haven’t spoken to my ex-wife in 11 years. I’m not happy or proud about that.” He went on to explain that when he attended the life events that caused them to come together, like graduations and funerals, “It is almost unbearable. If only someone had ordered us  -- not just suggested to us -- to come together at the same time and same place and talk to each other, instead of only attorneys and judges talking to us, then maybe our lives today would be different.”

Situations like this are sad and unfortunately true. Often, as with Bill and his wife, couples do not believe that it’s possible to work things out one-on-one or together with a mediator. If your painful, hurtful feelings are the foundation for  your communication with your spouse, irreparable damage may be done to you, your ex-spouse, and to your children. Although it’s possible to overcome this damage after a lot of grief and healing, it’s much easier to begin from the start to approach separation in a manner that will avoid much of the destruction.

You can begin by focusing on the needs of your children and letting this guide your communication. Your ability to communicate and cooperate in the future about parenting issues and decisions is  greatly dependent upon how you resolve the issues of separating and parting. If, for example, Bill and his wife had used mediation instead of litigation to work out their differences themselves, maybe their lives and their children’s lives would be better today. In a Chapter 000, I’ll tell you more about how effective communication skills and the mediation process can help you and your children.

Myth #10   It will all be over after the separation is final.

If you have no children or close ties to each other, this may be true. However, if you have children, your life with your ex-spouse will not be over until death do you part. When Mike R. came to me, he was very depressed and upset because his life and relationship with his ex-spouse had not improved at all since their separation. They were constantly battling about issues with the children which they could not resolve. As a consequence, the children were having difficulty going back and forth between them for visitations.  He expressed to me that he had thought that after his separation, he would be in charge of his life once again and all of this would be behind him.

If you have children, you will need to maintain a relationship with your ex-spouse for the rest of your life. Stamp this thought indelibly into your mind at the outset. Rebuilding a relationship for the sake of the children can be most difficult and painful, since you’ve suffered the pain and loss of the separation and you’ve lost the sense of family as it was.  But going through this process and beginning to heal can help you develop a way to communicate and resolve problems which will allow you to rebuild a sense of family for the future.

Throughout this book, you will gain the information and skills you need to develop a way to relate to your ex-spouse about your children -- until death do you part.

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Many people get stuck with their myths.  And these beliefs continue to fuel their pain and anger year after year, destroying their lives, their children’s lives, and any sense of family possible for the future. In the chapters which follow you’ll  discover what your current beliefs are as well as their origins. And, you’ll be able to correct your faulty beliefs by expanding your perception and understanding about yourself, your spouse, your children, separation, and the future.

But before we begin, let me ask you to pause for a moment and think about your dreams for the future.  In my practice, I find that clients who are clear about their goals, make decisions which attain their desired results.

At this time, I know that some of you may not be ready or willing to complete this exercise, as well as others presented throughout this book. The exercises I’ll be suggesting for you, are the same as those I suggest for many of my clients. I find that the people who get the most from counseling, and from reading this book, are those who can invest the time needed to heal and grow. If you find it too difficult to complete this exercise now, please return to it when you are ready.

Exercise

Traveling Five Years into the Future

Make a picture in your head of your life five years into the future and describe it in a letter to your friend. Include how your children are, what you are doing, what you have accomplished, etc.

Some people have difficulty imagining their future while they’re in the middle of a separation. It’s a start, though, for you to begin to believe that there is life after separation. Knowing what you want,  and believing that it’s possible, begins the refueling process for developing your new life after separation.

If you aren’t ready for this exercise at this time, you can return to it after you’ve made some progress.