SAFEGUARDING
THE CHILDREN OF DIVORCE:
Rc FOR
DAMAGE CONTROL
Unpublished book by Reneé
Marlow, ACSW, LSW, BCD
and
Linda
Gail Christie, M.A.
Table of Contents
Chapter
1
The
Separation Syndrome:
Fight, Flight, Fake,
Freeze, Forfeit
or Feel?
Chapter 2
The Seven Step Healing Process: An Overview
Chapter 3 How Am I Doing Now?
Chapter 4
Wrong Way! Do Not Enter! Beliefs Which Will Take You Down the Road to
Destruction
Chapter
1
The
Separation Syndrome:
Fight, Flight, Fake,
Freeze, Forfeit
or Feel?
“...and you’ll be sorry you ever met me!”
Sandy
slammed the door. Overcome by
sobbing, she slumped to the floor. Tears flowed down her cheeks and
splattered onto the summons crumpled below. As she wiped her eyes, she saw her
freshly-penned signature fade into a wash. Like
my marriage, she thought. One minute
everything’s fine, and the next minute it’s, it’s vanished.
Sandy
wadded up the papers and hurled them at her
husband’s picture. Glass shrapnel pelted a Teddy Bear and it toppled from the
table. Terrified by her rage,
Sandy
wept until she had no more tears.
* * * * *
When
Sandy
came to see me she was overwhelmed: Devastated
by her husband’s rejection, she was humiliated and broken hearted. Verbal
accusations and threats had her stomach tied in knots. And uncertainties about
her future and that of the children, had sent her into a tail spin.
Feeling threatened, she wanted to fight back with everything she could
muster. But another side of her just wanted to crawl in a hole and hope it would
all go away. She didn’t know which way to turn.
Sandy’s dilemma about her separation and divorce is
not uncommon. Many people use ineffective coping strategies to protect
themselves from the overwhelming sense of danger they feel. Some people fight,
while others try to escape, act like there’s no problem, freeze, or simply
give up. None of these strategies, however, will serve you or your children
well.
“The only
way to win is to fight.”
“A good offense is the best defense,” these people say.
“If I come on strong enough, he’ll just retreat, without striking a blow.”
Sometimes, though,
this strategy backfires. When some people feel out-gunned or trapped, they hire
a tough lawyer to fight back for them. Caught in the throes of reactivity,
these couples do not stop to think about the damage they’re causing to
themselves, to the children and to their loved-ones. They just fight
to the bitter end.
"I just don’t have time to
deal with this right now.”
More
cautious people take flight to
safety, where they can escape the danger. They may bury themselves in work or
other activities so they don’t have time to feel their emotions or go into
hiding and disappear altogether.
“No
problem. It was long overdue.”
Unable to face their hurt and pain,
some people may pretend that
everything’s fine, hide behind humor, or mask and numb their feelings by
turning to alcohol, drugs, and addictive behaviors such as overeating,
workaholism, and promiscuous sex. If we fake,
mask or deny our emotions, however, we cannot take care of ourselves or our
loved-ones.
“I don’t want to talk about
it.”
Overwhelmed by a flood of emotions,
some people freeze in the face of
danger, like a deer mesmerized by headlights. They cut off their feelings and
leave themselves out of touch with the world and with themselves, as if nothing
ever happened. When the tremendous energy that is required to cut off their
feelings and suppress their needs wears thin, they can explode, often with
serious consequences to themselves and their loved-ones.
“I don’t care. Take
everything!”
Those not up for a fight, may
forsake their needs and raise the white flag of surrender. Believing that they
are powerless, or that they do not deserve to have their needs met, they forfeit, remain silent, and wait to be victimized.
Feelings:
The Window to Your Emotional Health
Right now you may feel like your
emotions are out of control -- like a juggler trying to keep a dozen plates
spinning on sticks -- dashing to and fro, wiggling each stick just enough to
prevent disaster.
Let me assure you, though, that your
emotions are not dangerous. Without your feelings, you would not even know
that you have needs, let alone do something about taking care of them. Your
emotions are your friends.
Your feelings are the vital signs
signaling the state of your emotional health: they are your emotional pulse.
Your emotions can tell you when to defend yourself, when to retreat, and when
you’ve achieved an acceptable outcome. Anger, for example, can signal that
you’re being hurt, that your rights are being violated, or that your needs and
wants are not being met.
So, don’t fear or try to suppress
your emotions. Embrace them and try to understand what they are telling you:
about your separation, about your children, about yourself, about your beliefs,
and about your needs. Your feelings are the window into your inner self -- a
window which will provide you with the vision you need to heal, and to prevent
damaging yourself, your partner, your children and your extended families.
Getting in touch with your emotions is the only way that you will be able to
begin to heal and to grieve your losses.
Anger:
Your Protector
Right now you may be in an absolute
rage. Being angry at your partner is normal and healthy. It’s not always “bad” to be angry, like your parents may have
told you it was when you were a child. Anger can help you gain the emotional
distance you need right now to protect yourself from more hurt and pain. Also,
anger can hide even more painful emotions that you aren’t yet ready to face.
So, anger can be your friend.
However, if you take your fear, pain
and resultant anger into the courtroom, as
Ellen
did, it can be disastrous. When
Ellen
came to see me, she had been doing battle for
over a year and there was no end in sight:
“...Money’s
the only thing he understands. So, if I make ‘Lover-boy’ fork over huge
alimony and child-support payments, he can’t shower ‘Miss Home-Breaker’
with fancy clothes and expensive cars...And now he has the nerve to file a
petition to get custody of the kids. He thinks I’ll just cave in. But I’ll
show him a thing or two!”
Ellen
had spent all of her savings on attorney fees and court costs, her mortgage was
three months past due, and she was facing foreclosure. You might think she came
to me to seek help for herself, but you’d be wrong. She was concerned about
her teenage son
Philip
:
“... And
now he won’t even get up and go to school. He’s flunking everything. He’s
so belligerent can’t handle him anymore. It’s his dad’s fault. He’s
turned
Philip
against me.
I want you to tell the court to stop
Charlie
’s
visitation privileges!”
As you might suspect,
Charlie
didn’t have to turn
Philip
against his mother. She was doing a fine job
herself. Later, when I saw
Philip
, he told me that he’d become so disgusted
with his parents’ fighting, that he didn’t want anything to do with either
one of them.
“Feeling anger signals a problem.
Vindictiveness does not solve it.”
Fear:
Driving You To Distraction
The unknown can be very frightening,
and to some, even paralyzing. So, if you’re scared, know that there’s
nothing wrong with you. In fact, you’ve got a lot of company.
If you’re like most people going
through a divorce, your stress level is probably approaching an all-time high.
You may not be feeling very competent about dealing with lawyers or your partner
on the legal matters of your separation. You may feel especially vulnerable and
insecure about the future -- for yourself and your children. You may fear losing
your children, a gut-wrenching experience. Or, you may be anxious about how
you’ll survive as a single person -- “God
save me. Dating again!”
After my own divorce, I was fearful
about having enough energy to work full-time and parent my young son. It seemed
like every second of my day was scheduled. All “25” hours! I fell in bed
exhausted every night.
Many of my clients worry about basic
issues such as paying past-due bills, losing their property, establishing their
credit, finding a job, returning to school, finding good child care, renting a
less-expensive place to live, moving, paying utility deposits, collecting child
support...the list never seems to end.
Statistics show that a large number
of single parents, particularly custodial mothers, live in poverty. So, it’s
quite common for them to have to move to a less expensive place, perhaps even to
live with their parents: Circumstances few people accept or adapt to very well.
Pain:
Suffering Your Losses
Losses are painful. Everyone -- you,
your partner, your children, and extended families -- suffers losses: the loss
of your relationship, the loss of your family unit, loss of friends, loss of
income, and sometimes even the loss of your house and your neighborhood. Any one
of these losses can be painful under “normal” circumstances. But on top of
separation and divorce, the pain can seem unbearable.
During the months following my
separation, I can remember being in so much pain that it was all I could do to
just get up and get through each day. I couldn’t even begin to think about
tomorrow. That was when I truly learned to live one day at a time. It was all I
could do.
The pain of separation and divorce
is often compared with the pain of losing a loved one to death. The finality of
a death, though, is somewhat of a blessing, because beginning with the rituals
of funeral and memorial service, you can start to grieve and heal. With
separation and divorce, though, there is no clear-cut end to the relationship,
especially when children are involved. So working through your pain is more
difficult, and it can be drawn out over months and even years of bickering. Some
people never heal completely.
Sadness:
Remembering and Wondering
At times I found myself tearful,
moody and so sad that I thought it would never end. I had trouble concentrating
at work, getting a good night’s sleep, and even wanting to get up in the
morning. Often I found myself tearing up, as I did after my Mom died: when I was
alone on a quiet evening, in the grocery store, when I saw “his” favorite
cookies, when I was listening to a favorite song we’d danced to and,
sometimes, for no apparent reason at all.
Sadness is a normal part of grieving: sadness for your failed marriage,
sadness for years wasted in a floundering relationship, sadness about the damage
your “bad” marriage may have caused your family, sadness about missed
opportunities...
It’s okay to reflect on your life as you’ve lived it and to imagine
how things might have been different, had you made different choices. But
knowing that it would have been better is mere speculation. What’s done is
done. And nothing can change that now.
You can take some comfort in knowing, however, that you did the best that
you knew how to do at the time. And now it’s up to you to prepare yourself to
make more suitable choices for you and your children’s futures.
Rejection
or Abandonment: Am I Okay?
Being
abandoned by a person whom you’ve loved and trusted is one of the greatest
heartaches. If your partner left you for someone else, it can also seem like the
greatest insult. And even worse, you may believe that your partner’s rejection
and abandonment means that you are unworthy of being loved by anyone. also Many
make their lives even more miserable by beating themselves up:
“I
should have been able to make him happy.”
“I
should have been able to make more money.”
“I
should have been able to work, and take care of him and the kids.”
When some people feel rejected, they
become deeply depressed, as
Robert
did:
“I don’t have any reason to go on without my
family. They were the reason I got up everyday.”
Having grown up in poverty after his
parents divorced,
Robert
decided that he’d never be like his father.
So, he worked two jobs to provide a nice home for his wife and kids, and
he vowed he would never leave them.
During the process, however, he failed to recognize that his absence from home
was damaging his relationships. And once his wife took the kids and left,
Robert
no longer had a cause: a reason to be. The
really sad part of
Robert
’s story, though, is that he failed to realize
that poverty was not the villain that
damaged him as a child, his father’s abandonment
was. And essentially, he repeated what his father had done to him: only
Robert
left his
family by working day and night.
During a divorce, pent-up rage from
a previous rejection or abandonment can explode like a time bomb. After
divorcing,
Pam
’s father remarried, moved away, and never
spoke to her again. During her divorce some thirty years later,
Pam
’s
unresolved rage from the past boiled up into her present hurt and pain.
Overwhelmed by such strong emotions,
Pam
bulldozed through her divorce like a runaway freight train, smashing everything
and everyone in her path. The sad part is that she still rages about her father,
whom she’s never confronted about the abandonment.
Loneliness:
Is it forever?
Newly separated couples often find
themselves alone for the first time in their lives, or for the first time in
many years.
“I’ve
never felt so alone,”
Connie
moaned. “Will this last forever? I
don’t think I can take much more.” A devastating thought: Being alone forever. Not something I’d ever want to face. But
following my divorce, I did exactly that. After I’d worked all day and tucked
my small son in bed, I collapsed into a chair, alone. And even if I’d had the
energy to go out, finding a baby-sitter on a school night was almost impossible.
So, just like
Connie
, I sat there night after night resigned to
“solitary confinement.”
Some of my clients are so busy with
their new schedule that they have little time or energy left for anything or anyone else.
Others withdraw into a shell to insulate themselves from their loneliness. But
that usually makes things worse, as
Yvonne
explained:
“Most of the time, it’s just easier to sit
there feeling sorry for myself rather than calling a friend. Anyway, they have
troubles of their own. They don’t want to listen to my sob stories...Besides,
I’m not sure I want them to know how down I feel right now. So, most nights, I
end up crying myself to sleep.”
Guilt Doesn’t Do Anyone Any Good
Some parents feel guilty about
moving away from their children, or about the things they did to contribute to
their divorce. You may hear yourself saying things like:
“If
I’d only stopped drinking, she wouldn’t have left.”
“If
I’d been a better wife/husband, we’d still be together.”
“I
should have hung in there for a few more years, for the children.”
You may be having second thoughts
about your children living with only one parent, especially with your (ex)partner.
Or, you may be concerned that, with your work schedule, you won’t have enough
time to spend with your children.
Some of my clients feel guilty for
the way they’re handling their separation and divorce. During one of
Ed
’s
sessions, he related an unfortunate incident that happened earlier that morning:
“I shout to get things off my chest, to feel
better.” He took a deep breath, “But, this morning, right after I blew up, I saw the kids sitting on
the stairs. They heard everything. I could see it in their eyes. They were
really scared. God knows, I didn’t mean to scare them. I just wanted to shake her
up a little.”
Many parents feel guilty when they
ask their children to take on more responsibilities like helping with chores,
watching their younger brothers and sisters after school, or working part-time
to supplement the family’s income. But sometimes, that’s what is needed for
the family to survive.
Some parents respond to their guilt by bending over backward to make life
easier for their children. Or to keep their love, they stop disciplining their
kids so much, buy expensive gifts for them, or allow them to get away with
pitting Mom and Dad against one another.
However, I’ve seen a number of my clients motivated by their guilt to
create a more healthy environment for themselves and their children.
Good
Grieving
For many of us, as we grew up, our
fantasy was to find the perfect soul-mate, fall in love, marry, have a family,
and live happily ever after. However,
divorce shatters these life-long dreams into tiny pieces:
·
your dreams
of loving and being loved,
·
your dreams
of a happy and fulfilling marriage,
·
your dreams
for emotional and financial security,
·
your dreams
for your children,
·
your dreams
of social status and financial success,
·
your dreams
of companionship as you grow older, and
·
your dreams
for your future.
And what may even be worse, you may
be so hurt that you’ve lost your ability to dream or you’ve begun to believe
that your dreams can never come true.
You’ve suffered a great loss, so
it’s normal for you to be experiencing overwhelming sadness and despair.
You’ve lost a relationship with your partner and perhaps half of your extended
family. You may have had to bid farewell to
your dream home, your friends, and your lifestyle. If you’re the non-custodial
parent, you’ve lost the opportunity of living with your children: eating
dinner together, playing catch in the back yard, reading them stories at
bedtime, and tucking them in bed at night.
Know that fighting, fleeing, faking
that it doesn’t matter, freezing with fear, and forfeiting are not successful
strategies for taking care of yourself or your children. Getting in touch with
your emotions is the only way that will provide you with the vision you need to
heal and to prevent damaging yourself, your partner, your children and your
extended families.
As you begin the grieving process,
however, may not believe what’s happening. It may even feel like it’s
happening to someone else. But when reality begins to sink in, most people
become angry, as
Harold
did:
“When my wife said she was leaving, I didn’t
believe her. It didn’t seem real. Not until yesterday, when I came home and
the house was empty. She took everything. Even the door mat!”
Harold
’s eyes welled with tears, “This can’t be happening to me!” He pounded his fist on the
corner of my desk, “If she thinks I’m
just going to just sit by and let her get away with this, she’s...”
size:12.0pt;mso-bidi-font-size:10.0pt;line-height:200%;font-family:
"Century Schoolbook"">“Stop!”
I said, as I pressed out my palm toward him “You
aren’t thinking straight right now. And anything you say or do while you’re
so angry may end up hurting you and your son.”
Several weeks later,
Harold
and his wife returned for a joint counseling
session. At this point,
Harold
was in so much pain he was willing to do
anything to get his wife and family back -- even stop his drinking:
“I’ll do anything. Just tell me what you want. I promise I’ll never
hit you again. Just give me one more chance.”
But
Harold
’s
wife said that she couldn’t afford to give him one more chance. The last time
she did, he broke three of her ribs. And she was afraid that the next time, she
might not survive.
Harold
is now in a 12-step program and has been sober
for nearly a year.
People who cling to a false hope of reconciliation, usually remain stuck:
stuck in their denial, stuck in their
anger, stuck in their bargaining -- stuck in their grief. It’s only when they
work through their pain and grieve their losses, that they can start rebuilding
their lives.
Many of my clients have found that
their dreams -- of being successful, of the kids being okay, of being happy and
content, and of loving and being loved again -- have come true. And yours can
too. You can get a good start on your new life right now by:
·
Taking the
time you need to work through your emotional pain and grief and begin healing,
·
Garnering
the support you need from your friends and family, so you can stay grounded, and
·
Assessing
your and your children’s needs, so you know what’s needed for taking care of
yourself and your family.
Divorce is painful, even in the best
of circumstances. However, let me assure you, there is life after divorce for
you and your children. And it can be even more satisfying than it was before.
Chapter 2
The Seven Step Healing Process: An Overview
Why It’s Important to Keep Your “Emotional” Separation
from Contaminating Your Legal Separation
I realize that, at this time, you may not need or want to seek professional
counseling, for numerous reasons. However, it’s critical that you keep your
“emotional” separation from contaminating and escalating your legal separation.
You may be asking yourself, “What do they mean by ‘emotional’ separation?”
Many people believe that once their legal separation is over, they will be able
to get on with the rest of their life. So, they’ll agree to anything, just to
get it over. Others believe their anger and hatred will subside, if they use the
power of the court to punish their partner: to get revenge for the hurt and pain
they’ve suffered.
Although emotionally-driven tactics such as these can provide temporary
satisfaction and relief, they seldom provide long-term resolution. Because, once
their legal separation is behind them, they may regret what they gave away, feel
cheated by their partner and/or the legal system, or even feel badly about how
they behaved.
More importantly, they may not be able to live with the terms of the separation:
child-support payments, custody and visitation arrangements, property
settlements, and so forth. So, many of these people find themselves returning to
court time after time, because they are in contempt of the legal agreement, or
because they want to re-negotiate the terms. Ongoing conflict keeps alive the
“fighting” and retards the healing process for everyone. And, it’s very
expensive.
When you take into court your hurt, pain, fear and anger -- issues concerning
your emotional separation -- you will escalate the issues of your legal
separation, and you’ll begin to journey down the road to destruction. It’s
vital for your future, and for the future of your children, that you take care
of your emotional divorce before or separate from your legal divorce.
If, instead, you use my seven-step healing process outlined in this chapter, you
will be able to avoid this tragedy. And you’ll discover that as you begin to
heal, you will be able to minimize the damage to yourself and your children, and
deal with the matters of your separation much more effectively.
The
Seven Step Healing Process
Although situations vary, I’ve found that the stages my clients experience
during a separation and separation are pretty universal, in the same way the
stages for grieving are similar for most people. As you read this overview of my
seven steps for achieving a separation with a relationship that still functions,
see if you can identify which step(s) you’ve been experiencing. You may find
that, at times, the stages or steps will overlap; but, generally, they proceed
in the following order.
Step #1 Retreat, don’t attack.
At first, your anger and rage make you want to lash out and hurt others.
However, people fueled with their emotional pain are headed toward destruction.
Separation is a grief process that’s worse than suffering a death because it’s
never over. There’s a finality to death that requires you to go through grief.
But, there’s no finality to separation, so many people remain stuck in a
never-ending and painful state of grief.
First you should take time to cry, grieve and garner the emotional support you
need from your family, friends, and, if necessary, professionals. In later
chapters, I’ll provide a process for you to work through your feelings, and help
you understand your reactions to the separation, so you can keep your emotions
from fueling a damaging separation.
Step #2 Magnify, don’t project.
As your grieving progresses, you may start to blame others, or even yourself,
for the separation.
It’s your beliefs which fuel you emotionally and behaviorally.
This is a time for you to examine what is happening to you emotionally and what
beliefs underlie your emotions. So, put your beliefs and emotions under a
magnifying glass. If they are based on myth, you don’t want to project your
feelings and beliefs onto your spouse. This won’t help you solve your problems,
and it will escalate the matters of separation. In Chapter 000, I’ll show you
how to examine your beliefs and restate them in more accurate and positive ways
which will assist you in managing or changing your emotional responses.
Step #3 Assess, don’t guess.
Now is the time to assess what you and your children will need: education, job,
child support, time off to figure out what will be helpful for you in your
future, or even emotional support. You need to get the financial, legal, and
psychological information necessary for proceeding with your separation.
Assessing what you need will empower you to make your plan.
Step #4 Plan, don’t demand.
Planning is figuring out exactly what you want and what you’ll be willing to
settle for, for yourself and your children. If you’re very clear about your plan
when you begin communicating and negotiating, your spouse, the attorneys, and
the judge won’t get you off guard and drag you in emotionally. It’s a very
powerful thing to know what you want. Later, you will be able to
formulate a plan customized for your situation.
Step #5 Communicate and negotiate, don’t litigate.
It’s during litigation that bitter enemies are made and families are broken.
This is what I want to help you avoid, if possible. Once you have your plan, you
can begin to communicate to your spouse in a clear and powerful way about what
it is that you want. And if you receive any offers that are not compatible with
what you’ve determined as your willingness to settle or negotiate, then you need
to take time out and think before you make any concessions or agreements. You
don’t want to compromise yourself. The skills you’ll learn to enhance your
communication with your spouse will be useful the rest of your life, especially
if you have children.
Step #6 Relate, don’t react.
It’s very important that you are constantly aware of your emotional pain which
will not have been resolved by this time, particularly if you’re the one who’s
been left. However, you shouldn’t let that pain be your guiding force. Instead,
try to relate to your spouse in terms of what you want and what your children
need. I’ll help you begin laying the groundwork for continuing the relationship
after your separation.
Step #7 Thrive, don’t survive.
I understand that for awhile you will feel like you’re just surviving. And for
some time, you’ll need to work through your emotional pain and grief to resolve
that. You may have lost your dreams, the ability to dream about your future, and
maybe even the belief that your dreams can come true. Losing hope can be
devastating. However, after reaching this bottom rung of grieving and loss, I’ve
found that each step beyond is more healing and hopeful.
In order to rebuild your life, you need to know what you want, what you need to
do to achieve that, and begin moving in that direction. As you move on after
your separation, you’ll begin to heal, you’ll start to dream once again, and you
will be able once again to begin believing that your dreams can come true.
You’ll know what you want and begin creating that in your life. And with support
from your family and friends, you’ll find it possible to start to enjoy living
your new life and helping your children heal.
Let me reassure you that there can be life after separation, possibly even
more satisfying than before. Your dreams can come true, as they have for
many of my clients. You can choose happiness as a single person, or you may wish
to enter into another relationship. The most important dream that you’ll regain,
though, is the freedom to be yourself.
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The thought-provoking self-assessment tools and exercises provided in later
chapters will guide you through this seven-step process so, like my clients, you
can integrate new, more positive beliefs and behaviors into your life and
achieve your separation with a relationship that still functions. Though the
trip will be difficult at times, I promise that it will be interesting,
challenging, productive, do-able, and ultimately more successful than the
one you are traveling on now -- for yourself and your children.
Chapter 3
How Am I Doing
Now?
Before we begin the journey toward your separation with a relationship that
still functions, it’s important to know your point of departure: How you are
doing now? Following is a questionnaire which will help you assess your
emotional well-being as you begin this book. At the end of this book, you’ll
have an opportunity to reassess yourself, and to see how far you have moved out
of your pain and survival toward a resolution that will enable you to recover
and heal. Take a few minutes to rate yourself. There are no right or wrong
answers, and no one but you will see your responses. So, be honest with
yourself.
Where Am I
Now?
On a
scale of 1-5 rate yourself on the following questions. A “1” means that this is
least like you and a “5” mean that it’s most like you. Circle your answer.
My
Personal Adjustment
I feel
successful.
1 2 3 4 5
I feel
trusting.
1 2 3 4 5
I am not
angry.
1 2 3 4 5
I don’t
wish to hurt my spouse either physically or
emotionally.
1 2 3 4 5
I do not
use anger in destructive ways.
1 2 3 4 5
I don’t
feel like I have to prove myself wronged by this marriage. 1 2 3
4 5
I feel
good about myself.
1
2 3 4 5
I know
that I’m lovable.
1 2 3 4 5
I feel
hopeful about the future.
1 2 3
4 5
I feel
like I’m in control of my life.
1 2 3 4 5
I am
taking care of myself by sleeping, eating, and
exercising right.
1 2 3 4 5
I am
taking care of myself by communicating to others what
I need.
1 2 3 4 5
I’m
making important decisions with little difficulty.
1 2 3 4 5
I’m
working through my grief and loss.
1 2 3 4 5
I’m prepared for a different relationship with my children and
ex-spouse.
1 2 3 4 5
I’m
confident I can manage my life after the separation.
1 2 3 4 5
I’m
confident that I can manage my finances.
1 2 3 4 5
I’m
looking forward to being
single. 1 2 3
4 5
I’m
looking forward to living
alone.
1 2 3 4 5
I’m
actually growing and developing as a result of the
separation process.
1
2 3 4 5
I’m
starting/continuing to have fun.
1 2 3 4 5
I feel
like my life is just beginning.
1 2 3 4 5
I am
developing/rediscovering my dreams for the future. 1
2 3 4 5
I’m
making plans for my future well-being.
1 2 3 4 5
Dealing
With My Separation
I am
coping effectively with my separation.
1 2 3 4 5
I am
taking care of myself by getting information and help with my separation.
1 2 3 4 5
I feel
secure and confident about the separation proceedings. 1 2 3
4 5
My
ex-spouse knows what’s best for the children.
1 2 3 4 5
I know
what’s best for the children.
1 2 3 4 5
I don’t
fear losing the children physically or emotionally.
1 2 3 4 5
I know
what I want in my separation agreement.
1 2 3 4 5
I am able
to tell my spouse what I want in my separation agreement. 1 2 3 4 5
Helping My Children
I’m able
to support my children physically, financially, and
emotionally.
1 2 3 4 5
I’ve
talked with my children about the separation process. 1
2 3 4 5
I’ve
talked with my children about our future.
1 2 3 4 5
I’ve
reassured my children that they will be taken care of.
1 2 3 4 5
I feel
confident that my ex-spouse and I can work together to
parent our children.
1 2 3 4 5
I’ve
learned better skills for solving disagreements and
difficulties.
1 2 3 4 5
I’m
confident that my children are dealing with the separation
effectively.
1 2 3 4 5
The
children are not misbehaving, acting out, or showing other
signs of distress.
1
2 3 4 5
The
children are continuing to perform the same in school. 1
2 3 4 5
The
children feel secure and loved by both of us.
1 2 3 4 5
I am not
using my children to get back at by ex-spouse.
1 2 3 4 5
I am not
using my children to manipulate my ex-spouse.
1 2 3 4 5
I’m
learning parenting skills with regard to separation and my children. 1 2 3 4 5
Evaluating Your Self Assessment Ratings
If you rated yourself “4” or “5” on a substantial number of the items,
congratulate yourself! You’re already well on your way toward achieving a
separation with a relationship that still functions. You may just wish to skip
through this book to brush up on the areas where you may need some assistance.
If, however, you rated yourself “3” or below on most of the items, you’ll find
that reading this book and completing the exercises will be very helpful.
In the chapters which follow, you’ll discover what your current beliefs are as
well as their origins: your beliefs about personal security, about self esteem,
about roles, about grief, about singleness, about sexuality, about
relationships, about the future, and much more. And, you’ll have the opportunity
to correct your faulty beliefs by expanding your perception and understanding
about yourself, your spouse, your children, separation, and the future: By
shedding myths, clarifying your thoughts and feelings, and gaining a broader
perspective, you’ll be better equipped to make good decisions about your
separation, about your children, and about your future.
My step-by-step road map will help you plan your separation and
separation in a way that will minimize damage to yourself and to your children.
So, let’s begin our journey.
Chapter 4
Wrong Way! Do Not Enter!
Beliefs Which Will Take You Down the Road to Destruction
Most people caught up in the emotions of a separation and separation react and
make decisions based on faulty beliefs: beliefs which generate feelings of
anger, guilt, loneliness, despair, and fears of rejection. Since beliefs are
the fuel for your emotions and behavior, I want to help you identify,
explore and refine your beliefs. Because, in my experience, when my clients’
have a clear understanding of their thoughts and feelings, they are much better
equipped to make good decisions about the way they’re living their lives, about
their children, and ab